TRUST

On a bright summer afternoon in London you stood on the cot balancing your self and I asked you to jump right into my arms, standing a few feet away and without any hesitation, you jumped. 

I held you in my arms for a second as I was surprised you jumped, very much against your instinct of self protection. I understood that day that you have put your trust in me. I felt a sense of pride and along with it an overwhelming sense of responsibility. Here you are just an year old and you are willing to trust this man standing across you.

I made a promise that day Niti and I will treasure this trust and hold on to it for the rest of my life. I will trust you no matter what. There might be situations in the future, tough ones where this trust will be put to sword but, I will stand by my words regardless of what happens.

Appa

It Hurts to see you get Hurt

Niti,

You have started to walk off late and it has been great joy for us. To just see you take the first few steps and learn how do it consistently has taken you over 2 months now. It is another story that you are making us run because you can walk.

During this process, you fell several times and hurt yourself. I felt bad to begin with wanted you to stop trying for a few days. In the end, I had to fight the urge and let go of my fears because I knew at all times, you never had any.

Like one of those many algorithms I wrote the steps 

1. Try to Walk

2. Fall Down

3. Cry

4. Forget about it

The above four steps have been repeated in a loop over and over again before 2, 3 & 4 have been slowly eliminated in due course.

Through this process I have realised, it is essential for me to leave you to fall down and learn. I hope to keep this lesson for a life time. I hope to learn, to control myself during this never ending learning process you have begun.

I don’t want you to get hurt but, you can be rest assured I will pick you up every time and put you back on your feet to forget the past and keep walking.

Love,

Appa

Patterns (or the lack of it)

Niti,

One of the things that comes to my mind when I am interacting with you is how do I do things that you might like. I have always unconsciously tried to search for patterns in the way you react to what I do. As I write this blog, I have realised that it has become a norm in life to look for patterns because, they kind of give you a feel that you are in control.

With you, everything goes for a toss. Here are the ways I have tried to get you to sleep

1. I tried to hold you by my shoulder and sing and it worked for a few days

2. I tried to carry you on my arms and swing them around and it worked for a few days

3. I tried to do a combination of 1 & 2 and that worked for a few days

4. I then put you inside the pram and moved it around for a few days

But, still there is no pattern emerging on how to get you to sleep at the earliest. It is frustrating at times because I think I have solved the problem and then you surprise me    again.

Today, I have come to the conclusion that there are no patterns with you. You are random and I am not going to trick myself into believing that I have understood the pattern. It is difficult but for me but, i will try and learn the art of unlearning.

I (Don't) know what is right for you

Niti,

I am sure somewhere in the next few years, we will end up with a conversation where I will categorically state the following words

"Just Do it Niti because I know what is right for you".

That is when I want you to hyperlink your answer to this blog. I want to state it now when I am in my right senses and you are not yet challenging me with things I might not like, the above statement is not true and to add to that fact, it is pure BS (you will know what that means by the time you read this blog).

In over 30 years of my life, I could not figure out what is right for me. My mind wanders to the depts of my conscience many times to find out what is right for me but I return empty headed. Yet, it is so easy to say I know what is right for the other person. Ha Ha that is hypocrisy to the core.

This is the lesson I have learnt. People judge others based on their own personal experiences and come to ridiculous conclusions. They don’t understand and accept that the other person is capable of thinking and knowing things which are well beyond your own thought process hence, it is wise to just let others make their own decisions based on what is right for them “At that moment in Time”. 

No one ever knows how things are going to turn out in the end and as individuals we only make decisions based on our past. Everybody has a different past therefore everybody has the right to make their own decisions.

I will do what is right for me and I know you will do what is right for you.

Love,

Appa

Namesake

This is the tense and dramatic story of how you got your name. Those were the days when amma was carrying you around in her belly. We were speculating what we would name you like all expecting parents do. I had a few ideas on the kind of name we wanted for you

• It had to be short (Because every name ends up being shorter than what ever they begin with)
• It should sound new (I know it is a cliche but, as u grow up you will realise how common some of the names are)
• It had to be a sanskirt name (this is definitely not taking revenge on my sanskrit teacher for giving me poor marks, I wanted the name to be Indian and what better language than Sanskrit)

We researched around for different words as our own vocabularies were very limited. We found “Eshita” best suited for you. I personally loved the name and so did your amma but, as usual it was met with raised eyebrows from your avva and everyone she had the power to influence (which covers most of the known world).

I kept fighting for it and showed no interest in what they wanted. This continued till you were born and a few days after. When the crunch time arrived, they created a story saying people would end up calling you Issi (which kind of means shit in Kannada).

I kept arguing that you cannot end up controlling what people call you. The only thing you can control is if you like the name or not. Things started heating up when amma joined the bandwagon too in rejecting Ishita (though when we were alone, she would support me on it)

You could have been named any of these Anya, Eshita, Niti, Dharitri, Ananya, Anagha, Vaghdevi and Sreeja.

On the D day, minutes before your name had to be finalised, I left two choices to your mom (Eshita and Niti). She took the final call and hence the world will know you as Niti and I will be known as Father of Niti.

Here are the reasons

This is for you Niti.

I am using this medium to express because these thoughts will remain on this address for ever (hopefully). I wanted to write this blog for a long time now but, you must have realised by now that I am very good at procrastination. You must have also learnt by now that, I usually beat it at some point in time and get things started.

I will try and set the scene very early. I will write whatever comes into my head on a regular basis here. That might include how I feel about you now and what I want to do for you in the future. The reasons are all selfish I want this blog to remind me (you are free to quote this space any conversations) in the future about all the promises I am going to make to myself as you grow up.

1. Your birth was not an accident. We planned (not to the T) but you know, to a large extent. There was great pressure from all quarters to force you out as soon as I got married to your amma but, we resisted and fought the battle valiantly for over 2 1/2 years.
2. We are not doing you a favour by bringing you into this world. I have often been told many times how fortunate we are to have been born and we should be thankful to our parents for ever for having us. In my case don’t ever thank me for having you intact, I would like to thank you for coming into your lives. 
3. I love you. This is an absolute statement and not relative to anything in this world; be it now or after you turn 50. I will always love you irrespective of what you grow up to be in life.

I don’t want to write the entire book in one chapter so, I will end this first one now. 

Love,

Appa